My apologies

My apologies,  

I’ve been stuck in my own soapy watery substance for the past year,

I just can’t really seem to escape it, 

I’ve been dealing with a category ? storm and the mark that’s leaving you questioned is due to the fact whatever number I put there people wouldn’t understand,

If it’s too low then one would assume I’m not going through much,

If the number would cause you to round up then some would think I’m exaggerating,

I’m exhausted from the weight of the mask I’ve been displaying to all those who cross paths with me,

From a young age I was programmed to say I’m okay even if I’m not okay, so yes, I promise I’m okay, 

Family, friends, coworkers and students are a group of 4 I’ve been having issues truly connecting with,

Maybe life would suddenly fill with joy if things were game like and I could connect with all 4,

My apologies, 

I haven’t been checking in with love ones how I usually do,

I haven’t seen a storm of this category before so I’m having issues adapting,

I often hear words of positivity from people that build me up to be someone strong,

I don’t see any strong in me unfortunately,

I see a corpse, everyone is just lagging behind me,

Time will tell if I can withstand the strong winds that’s been pushing me year long, 

I’m drenched in tears mixed in with the rain but only point out the rain when people ask why I’m immersed in liquid, 

My apologies,

I no longer think I’m being misunderstood when someone tells me my words can bring them to the Arctic ocean,

My actions can bring them to the Arctic ocean, 

I become too defensive when I feel someone is insulting my intelligence so I react in a way that cuts through their feelings with a blade that’s sharpened by the tongue, 

A blade that leaves them resembling a sibling of a lion king,

My apologies,

My health is the source of my brain malfunctioning,

I haven’t been “me” for quite some time but I live in the adult world, where we’re all too busy to notice if even our closest people aren’t their true selves, 

I’m struggling with being there for me, 

I’m struggling with being there for others,

For majority of my life I would raise my hand if someone asked who was the most unselfish person in the room,

These days my hand would stay down close to my hip,

I tend to be more so on the path of the selfish,

Everyone says growing in life hurts,

I mimicked those same words several times when those younger than me would seek my advice,

This shit hurts but I don’t see any growth. 

You see, I’ve been stuck in my own bubble and I just can’t seem to escape it. 

-KC Pen